I want to disappear…
The city was dark, despite the lights that filled the night. I could hear all the sounds of the nightlife; the cars, the voices of the people who walked the streets at such a late hour. The breeze was strong from the top of the high-rise, and I stared down at the world below me. I couldn’t say why I was standing here, or what even triggered the thought of what I was planning to do. It had been years since I’ve really felt something, so it wouldn’t matter if I jumped, would it? There was nothing stopping me, no one holding me back. Life was hard, but death, it was so much easier, and call me a coward, but I wanted to take the easy way out. It would much simpler that way. No more tears. No more frustration. No more wanting. No more needing. This was it, and it everything would finally end.
My breathing was labored, my heart beat erratic. Everything seemed to be spinning. I could do this. I had to. I couldn’t bare it anymore, this loneliness that had been plaguing me. It was killing me. Even if I knew this would be a mistake, once I hit the ground, I wouldn’t have to time to regret it. I wouldn’t have time to over think it, or stop myself from doing the inevitable. I’ve already tried weighing out the pros and the cons, and I even tried waiting, hoping that everything would get better. But it didn’t. Nothing ever did. Nothing ever worked the way I wanted it too, and it never would. God could be cruel, so cruel sometimes, and my faith in him was thinner than air.
“Come on, Shinji. Just do it. No one cares about you. What do you have to lose? Why are you hesitating?”
Was I hesitating? I didn’t think so. I could feel the grabble beneath me, and my toes curled as I staggered closer to the edge. Maybe I could admit, I was a little scared. But even so, I shouldn’t have been contemplating anymore. My decision was already final. So I took a deep breath, and the counting began.
I knew that voice. It was too important for me to ever forget. My eyes were wide when I turned around, and my lips began to quiver at the sight of the other. There he was. It was Kanon. He had tears in his eyes, his cheeks flushed. I knew he must have been running, because I could still see the outline of his chest rising and falling, and the sound of his heavy breathing.
The raven was a mess, and he couldn’t believe he was standing here, watching the man he loved so much about to do the most stupid thing he could ever imagine. He didn’t know why, or how he knew he could find Tora on the rooftop, but all he knew is he couldn’t let the brunette go through with this.
“Tora, why? What are you thinking? Please, come here. We could talk about this.”
I shook my head as I took a step back, closing my eyes to make it easier. I couldn’t bare to see his face, or hear his voice. I just had to do this, I had too. I was so desperate for this release, I didn’t want to talk or argue. “It’s over. It’ll all be over.” I whispered, “I’m so sick of this.”
Kanon was shaking as he walked closer to the other, making his movements slow and obvious. He couldn’t understand what was running through the tiger’s mind, and he didn’t know what to do. What would he do without Tora? It was unimaginable, and that’s why he had to stop the brunette before he ended his life. He may not have realized it, but he wouldn’t just be taking his own life, but the raven’s as well.
“Please, baby…You don’t have to do this. I need you...we..we can go to the country, move away from here, leave this place behind.”
“And then what? You know as well as I do that it’s not possible. Can’t you understand? This is the only way…the only way I can be happy.” Didn’t Kanon understand? I needed this. I needed this more than a drug, because no matter how many nights I wasted getting high, or tasting that bitter alcohol on my tongue, nothing made it go away. “If you love me, you’ll understand. But please, Kanon. Please leave me be.”
“I can’t, Tora. I just can’t. If death is the only way you can be happy, and if the only way I can obtain happiness is being with you, then I’ll jump too.”
“W-what?” I didn’t know what to say, and I could feel my eyes filling with tears as the raven moved closer. He couldn’t be serious, could he? “Kanon, what are you doing?”
“You jump, I jump.” He whispered, clutching the tiger’s hand. “If this it, if this is where it all ends, I have no regret dying with you. “ And he wouldn’t. He loved Tora, and he hoped, that maybe, in the next life, they would meet again. “Shinji, I want you to promise me something. When I’m reincarnated, I want you to find me again. You saved me in more ways than you’ll ever know, and if my next life is anything like this one, I’m going to need a dumbass like you to come rescue me. Got it?”
“I promise, Shinya. I’ll find you.” I muttered, gripping his hand in mine. We would be together again, no matter where we ended up. He was my soul mate, after all. We may have been saying goodbye to this life, but there were many more to come. That was how the world worked, and hopefully, in our next life, we can find happiness together.
“Are you ready?”
I nodded as I took deep breath, and as I looked over to the raven, I smiled. “Yes. I love you, Shinya. Goodbye.”
“It’s not goodbye, silly. It’s more like see you later.”
I laughed as I took my final glance at the city, and with our final breath, we we’re gone.
But it wasn’t goodbye. When a life ends, a new one begins. And I’ll keep my promise to you, Kanon. I’ll find you again, and when I do, I promise, that this time, I’ll be strong for you.